Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What do you call an ant who can't play the piano?
→ Discordant!

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

What do owls sing when it is raining?
→ 'Too wet to woo'!

What do baby swans dance to?
→ Cygnet-ure-tunes!

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
→ Birds of prey!

What did they call the canary that flew into the pastry dish?
→ Tweetie Pie!

What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
→ Jail-birds!

How do you get a cut-price parrot?
→ Plant bird seed!

Why is a sofa like a roast chicken?
→ Because they're both full of stuffing!

What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
→ Fowl play!

What happens when ducks fly upside down?
→ They quack up!

What goes eek, eek, bang?
→ A mouse in a minefield!

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
→ To the prawn broker!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can't refuse?
→ The Codfather!

What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
→ He got lockjaw!

Where do fish wash?
→ In a river basin!

What fish only swims at night?
→ A starfish!

How do fish go into business?
→ The start on a small scale!

Which fish go to heaven when they die?
→ Angelfish!

What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
→ Drop it a line!

Where do you weigh whales?
→ At a whale weigh station!

What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
→ A seahorse!

How do you know that owls are cleverer than chickens?
→ Have you ever heard of Kentucky-fried owl!

Which birds steal soap from the bath?
→ Robber ducks!

What kind of bird opens doors?
→ A kiwi!

What language do birds speak?
→ Pigeon English!

How do you get a parrot to talk properly?
→ Send him to polytechnic!

Where do birds invest their money?
→ In the stork market!

Where do blind sparrows go for treatment?
→ The Birds Eye counter!

What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
→ A bird that talks in morse code!

What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
→ A headbanger!

What's the difference between a regular toad and a horney toad?
→ A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit" while a horney toad croaks "Rub-it Rub-it"

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk.

It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

A worried patient went to his psychiatrist.

"I'm in love with my horse," he said.

"But that's nothing," replied the shrink. "A lot of people love animals. For instance, my wife and I have a dog that we love very much."

"Ah, but doctor," the patient replied. "It's a sexual attraction that I feel toward my horse."

"Ahhh!" exclaimed the doc. "What kind of a horse is it? Male or female?"

"Female, of course," said the bloke. "What do you think I am, a faggot!"