Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table?
→ He gets splinters in his mouth!

What kind of dog chases anything red?
→ A bull dog!

What kind of dog wears a uniform and medals?
→ A guard dog!

What do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater?
→ A plain clothes police dog!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a skunk?
→ Rid of the dog!

What do you get if you cross a computer and a Rottweiller?
→ A computer with a lot of bites!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a kangaroo?
→ A dog that has somewhere to put its own lead!

What do you get if you cross a dog and a sheep?
→ A sheep that can round itself up!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

Why are gold fish orange?
→ The water makes them rusty!

Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
→ Squidnappers!

What part of a fish weighs the most?
→ It's scales!

What fish do road-menders use?
→ Pneumatic krill!

What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
→ They go sharkers!

What game do fish like playing the most?
→ Name that tuna!

What do naked fish play with?
→ Bare-a-cudas!

What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
→ An electric shark!

Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
→ Jack the kipper!

What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
→ Whale of fortune!

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, alright!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

What's an insects best chat up line?
→ Pardon me, but is this stool taken!

Wife comes home to find the old man humping the dog in the front room. "My God Henry", she screams, "I know you've had other woman but this time you've gone too far!" "You may be right" he says, "I think I'm stuck."

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. Big deal you may say, but there's a twist here that makes him a candidate. It seems he and a friend were playing catch with a rattlesnake. The friend (a future Darwin Awards candidate himself) was hospitalized.

Why did clinton follow the chicken across the road?
→ because, he couldn't get his dick out of its ass.

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle and a rooster?
→ Cockerpoodledoo!

What do you call a sheepdog's tail that can tell tall stories?
→ A shaggy dogs tale!

Why do dogs run in circles?
→ Because its hard to run in squares!

How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
→ Terrier-fied!

What do you get if you cross a gun dog with a telephone?
→ A golden receiver!

What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
→ Dingo Starr!

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
→ The collie wobbles!

What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
→ A dusky husky!

What do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
→ A dog that can lick you from the other side of the road!

When does a dog go "moo"?
→ When it is learning a new language!

LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:
One of the passengers in a Soviet spacecraft is fooling around with the equipment, and his monkeyshines may end the flight prematurely. The passenger is in fact a monkey named Yarosha -- Russian slang for village troublemaker. Evidently bored on the fifth day of a scheduled 12-day flight, Yarosha slipped out of his harness and took a tour of the spacecraft. Tass, the Soviet news agency, reported that Yarosha was having a delightful time tampering with all of the equipment within reach. Watch out, Yarosha; if you break something, they'll probably dock your flight pay.