Animal Jokes — most viewed jokes

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?
→ Sleep in the wardrobe.

Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
→ A frog with hiccups!

- Zoo Keeper: I've lost one of my elephants

- Other Zoo Keeper: Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

- Zoo Keeper: Don't be silly, he can't read!

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.

Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.

From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
→ The cats keep covering them up with sand!

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.

"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
→ Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo?
→ Because he'd rather go to the movies!

What's blue and has big ears?
→ An elephant at the North Pole!

What's grey and lights up?
→ An electric elephant!

What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
→ An umbrellaphant!

What do you do with a green elephant?
→ Wait till it ripens!

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
→ An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said, "You know you really need help"
"Yes I do", said the elephant, "get this kid off my foot!"

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
→ The police made him bring it back!

Why are elephants wiser than chickens?
→ Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant?!

What do you call an elephant that can't do sums?
→ Dumbo!

There is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your home.