Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the other blonde:
- Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim. Please tell me how you did this!
The second blonde then says:
- But you ARE on the other side!
What do you call a python with a great bedside manner?
→ A snake charmer.
Yo mama so nasty she made speed stick slow down.
Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama so nasty she made right guard turn left.
Yo mama so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave
Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo mama so nasty that pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.
Yo mama so nasty I called her to say hello, and she ended up giving me an ear infection.
Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!
Yo mama aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!
Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!
Yo mama hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
Yo mama hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo mama twice the man you are.
Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past nine.
Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo mama middle name is Rambo.
Yo mama in a wheelchair and says:
- You ain't gonna puch me 'round no more.
Yo mama rouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo mama so stupid was born on Independence Day and can't remember her birthday.
Yo mama mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo mama gums are so black she spits Yoo-hoo.
Yo mama breath smell so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
I saw your mama at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said:
- Moving.
Yo mama teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag?
→ They can lighten your load!
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
→ It's an appointment!
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
→ They got jellygated!
Which insect didn't play well in goal?
→ The fumble bee!
What did the bumble bee striker say?
→ Hive scored!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
→ A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
What are Brazilian fans called?
→ Brazil nuts!
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
→ He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football teams?
→ They egg them on!
Researchers at Cornell University recently patented an artificial dog that would speed up the breeding of fleas for lab use.
Previously, the lab required 25 live, severely infected dogs to breed the 12,000 fleas per day needed in studies of humans' and animals' allergic reactions to fleas.
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said:
- It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.
Another said:
- No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.
The last said:
- Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?
Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teachersingled him out.
- If I gave you $20 - the teacher began, and you gave $5 to Mary,$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?
- An orgy - Johnny answered.
A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says:
- I would like one of your special full English breakfasts.
- No problem. - Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter.
- But I want it MY way. - says the man.
- What do you mean your way? - comes the reply.
The man says:
- well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them. - he says.
- I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans.
- I dont have the time to do all that! - came the reply from the greasy little fat girl.
- WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!! - came the reply.
