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One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.

So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that:

- if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you.

So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.

She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.

Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid said:

- My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty kitty...'

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said:

- But we don't know anything about each other.

He said:

- That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said:

- That was incredible!

He said:

- I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said:

- That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?

- No - she said.

- I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

WRITE IN C
(sung to The Beatles "Let it Be")

When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
"Write in C."

As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers
"Write in C."

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, write in C.
LISP is dead and buried,
Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
for science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.

If you've just spent nearly 30 hours
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write In C, yeah, write in C.
Only wimps use BASIC.
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, oh, write in C.
Pascal won't quite cut it.
Write in C.

{ Guitar Solo}
Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
Don't even mention COBOL.
Write in C.

And when the screen is fuzzy,
And the edior is bugging me.
I'm sick of ones and zeroes.
Write in C.

A thousand people people swear that T.P.Seven is the one for me.
I hate the word PROCEDURE,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
PL1 is 80's,
Write in C.

Write in C, write in C,
Write in C, yeah, write in C.
The government loves ADA,
Write in C.

If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?

What is the meaning of "sanctity"?
→ It's french, for a lady with five breasts.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says:

- Sir, have you been drinking?

And the minister says:

- Just water.

The sheriff says:

- Then why do I smell wine?

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says:

- Good Lord, He's done it again!

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.

To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said:

- Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys.

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour:

- Now, Timothy, it's not the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.

- Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me first blow job.

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar.

- Now, that's special - he said.

- For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you.

Shandy shook his head, and replied:

- 'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

- You can't get out of your room? - the captain asked

- Why not?

The stewardess replied:

- There are only three doors in here - she sobbed - one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
→ The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.