While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.
You look left and it reads:
Look Right
You look right and it reads:
Look Left...
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
→ Run!
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
Definition of bad lover:
An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over...
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
- Why, I've been to the pub of course - slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
- I did all right - the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
- Oh, thank heavens - sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution.
- No no - says the physicist - there's a better way.
He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up:
- No, no, there's an even better way.
To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
- I define myself to be on the outside.
Subject: You Deserve a Break Today
San Francisco (UPI)--In what legal observers are already calling a landmark decision in the case of Jackson v. California, the California Supreme Court has recognized for the first time a constitutional right to chicken done right.
The high court held that under the due process clause and the constitutional prohibition of cruel and unusual punishment, Joseph Jackson, a prisoner at the California Men's Correctional Institue at Camarillo, is entitled to food "of fair average quality," or "comparable to the fare at a modest restaurant or fast-food chain."
Mr. Jackson had complained of the poor quality of the prison kitchen's Coq au Vin ....
An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour's work isn't bad."
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said:
- When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked:
- How did it go?
The man answered:
- Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!
How do you eat a DNA spaghetti?
→ With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers...)
