Most viewed jokes

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says:

- I would like one of your special full English breakfasts.

- No problem. - Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter.

- But I want it MY way. - says the man.

- What do you mean your way? - comes the reply.

The man says:

- well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them. - he says.

- I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans.

- I dont have the time to do all that! - came the reply from the greasy little fat girl.

- WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!! - came the reply.

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor.

- This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000. - the clerk said.

- Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?

- This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.

- And the other? - said the customer.

- This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000.

- Holy moly! What does that one do?

- Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'.

Why did the cactus cross the road?
→ It was stuck to the dumb chicken

10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
11. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
12. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
13. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
14. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
15. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
16. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
17. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
18. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
19. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton:

- Are you ready to order?

Clinton replies:

- Yes, I'd like a quickie.

- A quickie?!? - the waitress replies.

- Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu.

She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says:

- It's pronounced Quiche.

One day Clinton goes to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, and much to his amazement, he finds a red ring around his penis. So the next day he goes to his physician and the doctor says:

- I cant figure out what it is. So I'll give you some medicine, and if it doesn't work, come back. Ill give you something else.

So clinton takes the perscription and takes the pills as directed and comes back in 2 weeks. The physician then hands him a different prescription and he comes back in 3 weeks this time. Then, instead of giving him a prescription he gives him a small tube-like capsule. The doctor says:

- Rub this around the offending circle and come back tomorrow.

Clinton returns the next day and starts shouting:

- Wow! That stuff was terriffic doc! What was thast concoction? It worked great!

The docter then calmly replied:

- Lipstick remover.

What's the definition of bravery?
→ A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says:

- I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week.

Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.

The boy looks at his mother and says:

- Do you wanna tell him, or should I?

What is red and has seven dents?
→ Snow White's cherry!

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

- I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms.

- Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?