Most viewed jokes

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up, wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

- You can't get out of your room? - the captain asked

- Why not?

The stewardess replied:

- There are only three doors in here - she sobbed - one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
→ The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

What do you call a dog with two balls and no hind legs?
→ Sparky

What do you get if you all sit under a cow?
→ A pat on the head!

What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
→ Put him in a tight jumper!

What do you call a pig that took a plane?
→ Swine flu!

What kind of doctor treats ducks?
→ A quack!

What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate?
→ Afer ewe!

Why did the ram fall over the cliff?
→ He didn't see the ewe turn!

What do cows like to dance to?
→ Any kind of moosic you like!

Where do sheep get shorn?
→ At the baa baas!

What do you get if you cross a steer with a tadpole?
→ A bullfrog!

FBI and Florida authorities arrested Paul E. Flasher, 45, who had been sentenced to five years in prison in 1980 for grand theft but who had never been jailed.

Flasher said he had gone home from the sentencing hearing in Tampa and "sat tight," just as his lawyer had instructed, waiting for notification to report to prison. Authorities forgot him for 12 years.

A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command ("Jump!").

In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook:

- Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly.

So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again:

- Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly.

Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again:

- Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly.

Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the leg less flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion:

- Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing

A young man, in the course of his college life, came to terms with his homosexuality and decided to "come out of the closet." His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his next home visit, he went to the kitchen, where his mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather nervously, he explained to her that he had realized he was gay. Without looking up from her stew, his mother said, "You mean, homosexual?" "Well...yes." Still without looking up: "Does that mean you suck men`s penises?" Caught off guard, the young man eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his mother turned to him and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under his nose, snapped: "Don`t you EVER complain about my cooking again!"

At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

- And how do you find the English students, Donald? - she asked.

- Mother - he replied, they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.

- Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?

- Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.

- Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model - the editor from the men's magazine explained.

- It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black.

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

- What the hell did you do that for! - he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said:

- Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once.