My friend is so stupid:
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says:
- For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says:
- It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says:
- You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.
- Alright - said the husband - when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast.
- Okay - said the wife - What should I do then?
- Well, when you want to have sex - he told her - rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
- It's for my husband - she tells the clerk.
- Did he tell you what gauge to get? - asked the clerk.
- Are you kidding? - she says.
- He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!
How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
→ They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
- M: I know how to please a woman.
- W: Then please leave me alone.
- M: I want to give myself to you.
- W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
- M: Your hair color is fabulous.
- W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
- M: You look like a dream.
- W: Go back to sleep.
- M: I can tell that you want me.
- W: Yes, I want you to leave.
- M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
- W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.
- M: Your body is like a temple.
- W: Sorry, there are no services today.
- M: Is this seat empty?
- W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
- M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
- W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
- M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cellphone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says, "how do you like your new phone?", she replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal Mart?"
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette:
- Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!
The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
- C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump! - say the firemen to the Redhead.
- Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away! - says the Redhead.
- No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!
- OK - says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell:
- Jump! You have to jump!
- No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away! - yelled the Blonde.
- No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!
- Look - the Blonde says:
- nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . .
- Mah son's real smart! - crowed the redneck mother to an acquaintance.
- He's only six but he can already spell his name backwards and forwards!
- What's his name? - asked the friend.
- Bob.
