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Why can't blondes water-ski?
→ When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

After working together for a while, Dick and Jane's office romance blossomed, and they really developed the hots for each other. One day, they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Dick finds Jane very tight, and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Dick says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says:

- Hello.

The voice at the end of the phone says:

- Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country.

SH smiles to himself.

- Come on Paddy - he says.

- there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance.

Paddy replies:

- No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you.

So SH says:

- OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time.

So Paddy says:

- Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport.

Hussein laughs:

- Oh come on, you've not got a hope.

- Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein - Paddy says.

- we'll just have a quick meeting.

So off he goes and has a quick meeting.

- Are you still there Mr. Hussein?

- Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war.

So SH says:

- Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.

- Well - Paddy says.

- I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor.

- Get real - says SH.

- that's no match at all.

So Paddy says:

- Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting.

- Are you still there Mr. Hussein?

- Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war.

SH thinks this is just amazing:

- Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?

- Well - says Paddy.

- there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30.

Laughing openly now SH replies:

- Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting.

- I will - says Paddy.

- I will.

- Are you still there Mr. Hussein?

- Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all.

- At last - replies SH.

- What made you change your mind?

- Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said:

- Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

- I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

- The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

- And that's how you built an empire? - the boy asked.

- Heavens, no! - the man replied. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years.

Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say:

- No way, ten dollars is ten dollars.

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch.

And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said:

- I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could.

Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the air port. "I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

New scientific thoeries1st RunnerUp- If an infinite number of rednecks riding in aninfinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number ofshotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they willeventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.

Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied:

- Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.

But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.

The husband was thinking to himself:

- Oh no, what has he done now? - and said with trepidation:

- Well what did you name them?

The brother replied:

- I named the little girl Denise.

The husband, relieved, said:

- That's a very pretty name!

What did you come up with for my son?

The brother replied:

- Denephew.

Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose. Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered:

- Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.

Murphy said:

- Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up:

- I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.

- My dog died.

- My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.

- I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.

- I overslept.

- I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.

- I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.

- I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.

- Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.

- My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.

- Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time.

And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

- Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!

And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

- You're going to kill him - they say, or

- He's just yanking your chain, but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous.

- You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?

The wife stoically replied:

- I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass.