Most viewed jokes

A Teenager is...

- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

- A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

- Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

- A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

- A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

- An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

- A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud.

- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.

- A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.

- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

- A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

How do you clean a condom?
→ Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!

Why is a bride always smiling as she walks down the aisle at her wedding?
→ No more blowjobs.

What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
→ A huddle.

Four Dallas Cowboys in a car, who's driving?
→ The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin get into a huddle on the field anymore?
→ It is a parole violation for him to associate with known felons.

- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

- Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

- Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

- Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

- I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family - said the man.

- To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.

The son-in-law interrupted:

- I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.

- I see - replied the father-in-law.

- Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.

- I hate office work - said the son-on-law.

- I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.

- Wait a minute - said the father-in-law.

- I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?

- Easy - said the young man.

- Buy me out.

Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage still confers one very special privilege - only a married person can get divorced.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly

A Mexican, a black, and a white guy are in a bar having a drink when a good-looking girl comes up to them and says "whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me". So the white guy says "I love liver and cheese." she says "that's not good enough." The black says "I hate liver and cheese", and she says "that's not creative", and then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine."

This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly. Going up to the kid, he said:

- That's a nice fire engine you got there, but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's neck.

- Yeah - the kid replied.

- But I wouldn't have a siren.