Most viewed jokes

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
→ Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

What lives in apples and is an avid reader?
→ A bookworm!

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn't take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down:

- What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?

- Why, Dad - said Frances.

- Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!

- Well, next time - roared Phelan.

- just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!

How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
→ He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
→ Stage makeup.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
→ Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
→ She was known as the deep C diva.

What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
→ The baritone.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
→ About 10 pounds.

How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
→ When the other tenors notice.

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
→ "I didn't wake up this morning..."

- Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.

- Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
→ Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
→ I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They can't get up that high.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Get the drummer to do it.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.

- Mom: So....now that you have started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?

- Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.

- Mom: How?

- Daughter: Oh, stuff....

- Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that its important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...

- Daughter: I don't know.....

- Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe I remember

- Daughter: Really?

- Mom: Really...

- Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your eyes?

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him:

- I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager:

- Got any fresh fruit?

- No.

- Got any fresh vegetables?

- No. We have only canned and dry goods.

The next day, the duck returns.

- Got any fresh fruit?

- No.

- Got any fresh vegetables?

- No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor.

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks:

- Got any nails?

- No.

- Got any fresh fruit?

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use accessory straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement.

Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground." Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma". An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping." Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
→ They had reservations.