Most viewed jokes

I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....

Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

- Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

- Nurse: No. Is it missing?

What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?
→ Hey pal, mind if I cut in?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said:

- Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed:

- Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.

The blond opened his lunch and said:

- Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said:

- If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!

The Mexican's wife also wept and said:

- I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said:

- Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman:

- Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?

The barman says:

- Yep, that's them.

So the guy walks over and says:

- Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?

Bush says:

- We're planning WW III

And the guy says:

- Really? What's going to happen?

Bush says:

- Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaimed:

- A blonde with big tits?

"Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell and says:

- See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!

Prison life versus a full-time job

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

How do you scare a man?
→ Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Yeah, fat broads are like mopeds. They're fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you on one.

Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?
→ It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.

What's the difference between Elton John and Princess Diana?
→ One's composing, the other is decomposing.