Most viewed jokes

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
→ Change.

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself. She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing. Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying...

- A little more to the left...a little more to the right

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies:

- Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.

The son then asks his father:

- Well what's the 6 pack for?

The father replies:

- Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies:

- Well, that's for when you're married... You have one for January, one for February, one for March...

Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said:

- I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

- Why not?

- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!

There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.

- I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes in total!

The Newfie said:

- I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, and his dad was a fisherman, and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish.

Poof! The oceans were full of fish.

The Quebecer was amazed! He said:

- I want a wall around Quebec, so nothing will get in!

Poof! There was a wall around Quebec.

The Vancouver guy said:

- Tell me more about this wall.

The genie said:

- Well it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.

So, the Vancouver guy said:

- Fill it up with water!

Did You hear about the Redneck who...

- Spent four days in Sears looking for a miscarriage.

- Took his expectant wife for the grocery store because they had free delivery.

- Took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game.

- Put iodine on his pay check because he got a cut in pay.

- Was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman.

- Was feeling so low, he got his face slapped.

- Lost his girlfriend because he couldn't remember where he laid her.

- Thought asphalt was rectal trouble.

- Thought his typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.

- Bought a union suit because his wife was having labor pains.

- Thought Peter Pan was something to put under the bed.

- Thought a sanitary belt was a drink from a clean shot glass.

- Smelled good only on the right side, he didn't know where to buy Left Guard.

- Studied for five days to take a urine test.

- Thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease.

- Went to the outhouse, put one leg in each hole, then crapped his pants.

Proof Positive that Jesus was Jewish:

1. His Bar Mitzvah was catered.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He swore his mother was a virgin.
4. And his Mother thought he was God.

Why do Italians not like Jehovah Witness'?
→ They don't like ANY Witnesses!

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
    But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.
11. Our love will never become cold and hollow
    Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.
12. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
    In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.
13. This feels so good, it feels so right
    I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.
14. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
    Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.
15. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
    But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!
16. Through all the things that came to pass
    Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.
17. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
    I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".
18. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
    So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!
19. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
    you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

The top 10 signs your dentist is crazy:

- Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

- His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders".

- Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

- Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.

- He...ummm..licks his tools clean.

- Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.

- When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.

- Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

- Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

- Insists that a Novacaine shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

- Adam: "You are what you eat."

- Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

- Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

- Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

- Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."

- Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

- Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

- Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."

- At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

- At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says:

- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

- But why? - asks the man.

- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies.

Exclamations

- "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

- "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats

- "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

- "This'll jar your preserves."

- "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments

- "Cute as a sack full of puppies."

- "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

- "Gooder than grits."

The Weather

- "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

- "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

- Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions

- A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

- When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

- If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

- "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

- A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults

- "She's uglier than homemade soap."

- "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

- "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

- "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

- "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing... there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."