Most viewed jokes

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
→ A dope ring.

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head.

Her boyfriend screams:

- Honey, don't do it...

The blonde yells back:

- Shut up! You're next!

Hey bob,

- Will you rember me tomorrow??

- Yes

- Will you rember me next week??

- Yes

- Will you rember me next month??

- Yes

- Will yoiu rember me next year??

- Yeah

- Knock Knock

- Whos There??

- See, you forgot me already!!!!!!

- Doctor, should I file my nails?

- No, throw them away like everybody else.

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks:

- What do you see?

The patient replies:

- Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks:

- What do you see?

Patient answers:

- Two people are having sex in a square room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks:

- What do you see now?

Patient replies:

- Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies:

- Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said:

- I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied:

- Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!

You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

This is you-know who. We are you-know-where. Leave your you-know-what and we'll get back you-know-when.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.

HI. If you are a burglar, checking to see if anyone is home, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't at home and it's safe to leave us a message.

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

- Hi. Now you say something.

- Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is:

- We aren't in, leave a message.

That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me...

You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.

Hi! Jan's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can't come to the phone right now because I'm down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number, and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

Hello, this is Susan. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't.

Hi, This is Mike. Please leave a message as soon as possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

I don't exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I'll call you back when I am...

HI! Leave me a message and tell me what I can do to... I mean, do FOR you.

One day a priest and a nun went golfing.

The first hole the priest missed an extremely easy putt. He shouted:

- Damn, missed again.

The nun, shocked, warned him:

- God will get you for that.

The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed:

- Damn It! Missed again - the nun repeated her warning:

- God will get you for that!

On the third hole, the priest again missed, and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, A bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck the nun dead.

A deep voice from the clouds boomed out:

- Damn It! Missed again!.

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...:

- I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

- I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

- I used to come here all the time with my ex.

- Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

- I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

- And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

- I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

- It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

- I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.