Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas.
Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.
As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
→ A receding hare line.
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says:
- I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died.
So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:
- I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President
She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says:
- I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die.
So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy:
- I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give you the last parachute
The boy replies:
- No problem your Pope-ness, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag.
Why did the little piglet fall in love with the hog?
→ Because he was such a sloppy dresser.
Mrs. Ellis came home from work one evening to find her three-year-old son lighting up a cigar. She raced into the kitchen where her husband was making dinner.
- Hey! - she announced.
- This is terrible! I just caught Matthew lighting a cigar!
- You put a stop to that right now, - he shouted.
- That kid is altogether too young to be playing with matches!
What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
→ Bach in the saddle again.
Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
→ It is usually still in the case.
What's a monsters favorite play?
→ Romeo and Ghouliet
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door.
- Oh darling - he gushed - Come here. Let me look at you. Let me hold you! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much.
The wife, keeping her distance, said:
- All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica.
