Most viewed jokes

Owed Two A Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.

The brunette said:

- We should go to Mars.

The redhead said:

- We should go to the Moon.

The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts:

- Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!

The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said:

- You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!

The blonde said:

- DUH... Not if you go at night!

Top ten reasons why it's great to be American:

- You can have a woman president without electing her

- You can spell colour wrong and get away with it

- You can call Budweiser beer

- You can be a crook and still be president

- If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything

- If you can breathe you can get a gun

- You can invent a new public holiday every year

- You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.

- You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"

- You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

- You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

- Why are you eating grass? - he asked one man.

- We don't have any money for food. - The poor man replied.

- Oh, come along with me then.

- But sir, I have a wife with two children!

- Bring them along! And you, come with us too! - he said to the other man.

- But sir, I have a wife with six children! - the second man answered.

- Bring them as well!

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says:

- Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied:

- No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!

- Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.

- Doesn't have sixteen annas to the rupee.

- Doesn't have the brain power to toast a crouton.

- Doesn't have the sense God gave an animal cracker.

- Doesn't have two neurons to rub together.

- Doesn't just know nothing doesn't even suspect much.

- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair. -- Billing

- Doesn't know which side the toast is buttered on.

- Doesn't put the cross-hairs on the target.

- Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.

- Doesn't suffer from ear pressure when flying at altitude.

- Donated her body to scientists... Before she was done using it.

- Downhill skiing in Iowa.

- Driveway doesn't quite reach the garage.

- Driving at night with the lights off.

- Driving with two wheels in the sand.

- Dropped his second stage too soon.

- Dumb as asphalt / dirt / a mud fence / a stump / a sack of hammers.

- Dumber than a chicken / box of hair/rocks.

- During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.

- Ears are redirected to /dev/null.

- Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.

- Echoes between the ears.

- Eight pawns short of a gambit.

- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.

- Elevator goes all the way to the top but the door doesn't open.

- Elevator is on the ground floor and he's pushing the Down button.

- End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock

- Enjoys listening to telemarketers.

- Enough sawdust between the ears to bed an elephant.

What does Dracula say to his victims?
→ It's been nice gnawing you.

Who plays center forward for the vampire football team?
→ The ghoulscorer.

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
→ Cold Trafford!

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells:

- Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says:

- What is it?

- It's a special golf ball - says the salesman.

- You can never lose it!

- Whattaya mean - scoffs the golfer.

- you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?

- No problem - says the salesman.

- It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.

- Well, what if you hit it into the woods?

- Easy - says the salesman.

- It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.

- Okay - says the golfer, impressed.

- But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?

- No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!

The golfer buys it at once.

- Just one question - he says to the salesman.

- Where did you get it?

- I found it.

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

- Is that so? - the first said.

- Did he do a good job?

- Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot - he said.

- The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That, was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt. - he added.