Most viewed jokes

What kind of birds do you usually find locked up?
→ Jail-birds!

Why did the kid punch the bed?
→ His mother told him to hit the hay.

Ever hear the expression "hard drinker"? Never made much sense to me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.

Why did God give deers eyes?
→ I have no eye-deer!

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls...

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

Fuck is such a versatile word...

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

- Where the fuck is all that water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic

- That's not a fucking real gun. - John Lennon

- Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon

- Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert Einstein

- What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima

- It fucking does "so" look like her. - Picasso

- How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras

- You want "what" on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo

- Fuck a duck. - Walt Disney

- Scattered showers my fucking ass! - Noah

- Pick up the fuckin' phone! - E.T.

- Fuck Logic! - Spock

- I can't breathe in this fucking thing! - Darth Vader

- Fuck I'm hungry! - Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try! - Yoda

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man:

- from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles.

The pension man said that would be fine but he'd better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em... he did... The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back.

- My God! - he said, where are your testicles?

- back in Vietnam! - the general replied.

There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says: "Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.

"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."

The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.

So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks: "Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"

"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.

The next day he walked in on his mom & says: "Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's face with it!"

When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:

- I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying:

- I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?

Bill thought for a while and said:

- I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked, but said:

- I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years we've been together.

They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later, Hillary asked Bill:

- So why do you have all that money in the box?

Bill answered:

- Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans...

- I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash!

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says:

- Hey! Cut it out, all right!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry,

and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says:

- I said stop it!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry,

and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger:

- What is it with you, anyway?

The rear tiger replies:

- Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!