Most viewed jokes

Why is someone who borrows money but does not pay it all back like a football player?
→ Because sometimes he gives you a quarter back and sometimes a half back.

My sister fell in love at second sight. When she first met him she didn't know how rich he was.

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

- That's no problem, son - said the sergeant.

- Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'.

- But what about a bayonet, Sarge? - asked the young (and gullible) recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end.

- Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'.

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him. The recruit points the broom:

- Bangety Bang Bang!

The German falls dead.

More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes:

- Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!

He mows down the enemy by the dozens. Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him.

- Bangety Bang Bang! - shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

- Bangety Bang Bang! - repeats the recruit, to no avail.

He gets desperate.

- Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!

It's no use.

The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says:

- Tankety Tank Tank.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
→ He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Men are like curling irons.

They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
→ You cry when you cut up an onion.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Buddy

- Buddy who?

- Buddyfingers!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Brian

- Brian who?

- Brian drain!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Beirut

- Beirut who?

- Beirut force!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Bark

- Bark who?

- Bark you car on the drive!