Most viewed jokes

You're breath's so stinky I don't know whether I should give you a breath mint or toilepaper!

After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied:

- There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis.

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said:

- I named mine Nike...like you know...just go for it!

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said:

- I got one... Secret.

The bartender said:

- Why Secret?

Joe said:

- Well...it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

- The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

- The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.

- You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"

- You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

- The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.

- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!

- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

- You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

- You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

- You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...

- You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

- Your dog has its own home page.

- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

- You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".

- You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.

- Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

- Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.

- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to the other chicken:

- who is your favorite music composer?

The second chicken responds:

- bach, bach, bach!

A young woman said to her doctor:

- You have to help me, I hurt all over!

What do you mean? - said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled:

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled:

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts!"

The doctor asked the woman:

- Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, - she said.

I thought so, - said the doctor.

- You have a sprained finger.

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard

- has to work at great depths

- has to work upside down

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work

- has to work in a high humidity environment

- has to work at high temperatures

- does not get weekends and holidays off

- does not get time off after extra hours of work

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request DENIED for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row

- does not answer immediately to all requests

- does not have a degree

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work

- shows no fidelity to the workplace

- retires too early

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!" His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what." The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.

All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.

The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"

The panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?"

"Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda."

"Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.

After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:

PANDA:

1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says:

- Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place.

Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found.

Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says:

- Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!

Some lessons learned in life:

- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

- If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

- People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

- And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

- You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.

- No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

- Never lick a steak knife.

- Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

- "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

- You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.