Most viewed jokes

Yo' Mamma is so ugly, I went into your house saw her TV was covered with cockroaches!

I asked her what she was watching, and she said:

- All My Children

Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said:

- Forgive me Father for I have sinned.....

- What have you done Tommy O'Connor? - said the Priest.

- I had sex with a girl.

- Who was it Tommy?

- I cannot tell you Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?

- No Father, please forgive me for my sin.

- Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?

- No Father, I cannot tell you, please forgive me.

- Well then, was it Sarah Martha O'Keefe?

- No Father, I cannot tell you who it was.

- Okay Tommy, go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be forgiven.

So Tommy walked out to the pew where his friend Joseph was waiting...

- What did you get? - asked Joseph.

- Well, I got 5 Hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads!

You've all seen the sentimental MasterCard commercials. Well, finally there is a MasterCard commercial targeted just for men:
(No offense ladies - just enjoy it for what it's worth)

- Cover charge: $15.00

- Round of drinks: 23.00

- Table dance: $30.00

- Another round of drinks: $23.00

- Couch dance and tips: $50.00

- A round of shots: $34.00

- Private dance in your hotel room: $300.00

Send her on her way and never have to hear her complain:

- PRICELESS!

There are some things that money can't buy.

For everything else, there's MasterCard.

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him:

- My name's the same as yours.

Santa's helper blows his cover when he says:

- Well, hello, Harold!

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father:

- What is this, Father? The father [never having seen an elevator] responded:

- Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father yells to his son:

- Hurry boy - go get your mother!

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

- Hey bartender - said the Engineer:

- I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.

The bartender responded:

- I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here.

- Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up.

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer:

- I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?

The Engineer responded:

- Oh...that's where we put the jack.

If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
→ He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.
→ Bambi, the White House grounds, and the new TV season.

What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
→ A dope ring.