Most viewed jokes

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

- Care to go upstairs and do it? - the husband asked.

- Shh! - said the bride

- All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?

So, the following night, the husband asks:

- I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?

- No, I definitely shut it - replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said:

- I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?

- No, thanks - said the husband.

- It was only a small load so I did it by hand.

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

- I just can't believe this - said the distraught husband.

- What's not to believe? - the detective said.

- It's right up there on the screen!

- I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun! - the husband replied.

A student had spent all his money, so he called his mother from college and asked if she could send him some.

Mom said:

- Of course, I'll send you some money, dear.

- By the way, you left your calculus book here when you visited last month. Would you like me to send that to you too?

Ummmmm, oh yeah, OK Mom - the boy replied.

So, Mom wrapped the book, together with the checks, kissed Dad goodbye and went to the post office to mail the parcel. When she returned, Dad asked:

- So, how much did you send him this time?

- I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000 - Mom replied.

- Have you lost your mind? - Dad exclaimed.

- That's $1020!

- Not to worry - Mom said calmly, as she kissed the top of Dad's head.

- I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 check somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said:

- Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you.

The husband was thinking to himself:

- Oh no, what has he done now?

- Well, bro, what did you name them? - and asked with some trepidation.

Whereupon, his brother replied:

- I named the little girl Denise.

The husband, relieved, said:

- That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?

The brother winked and replied:

- Denephew.

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells:

- Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!

The golfer, annoyed, says:

- What is it?

- It's a special golf ball - says the salesman.

- You can never lose it!

- Whattaya mean - scoffs the golfer, you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?

- No problem - says the salesman.

- It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.

- Well, what if you hit it into the woods?

- Easy - says the salesman.

- It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.

- Okay - says the golfer, impressed.

- But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?

- No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!

The golfer buys it at once.

- Just one question - he says to the salesman.

- Where did you get it?

- Ummm, I found it.

What must a policeman have before searching a rabbits' home?
→ A search warren!

How do you know when you're eating rabbit stew?
→ When it has hares in it.

Why was the pig happy when reviewers criticized his story?
→ Because they called it garbage.

Why isn't there a Superpig?
→ It's too hard for a pig to change clothes in a telephone booth.

What do you call a pig with no clothes on?
→ Streaky bacon!