Most commented jokes

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy.

- Can I help you? - the madam asked.

- I want Natalie - the old man replied.

- Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else...

- No, I must see Natalie.

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.

Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.

Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man:

- No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?

The old man replied:

- I am from Minsk.

- Really? - replied Natalie,

- I have a sister who lives there.

- Yes; I know - said the old man.

- She gave me $3,000 to give to you.

Reasons why it's great to be a man:

- Your butt is never a factor in a job interview.

- Your orgasms are real. Always.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can be president.

- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut.

- The world is your urinal.

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

- Same work ... more pay.

- Wrinkles add character.

- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

- Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

- Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

- One mood, ALL the damn time.

- Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat!

- You know stuff about tanks.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

- You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

- You can leave the motel bed unmade.

- You can kill your own food.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

- Everything on your face stays its original color.

- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

- No maxi-pads.

- You don't mooch off other's desserts.

- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

- You almost never have strap problems in public.

- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

- You don't have to shave below your neck.

- Your belly usually hides your big hips.

- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10. This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11. Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12. BREAKFAST.
    SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.
    SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.
    SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . .:

- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed:

- Yes. Yes he did.

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks:

- Who? Who was he? Who was the father?

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . .:

- You.

- Viagra, The quicker dicker upper

- Viagra, One-a-day, like iron

- Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight

- Viagra, Home of the whopper

- Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em

- Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman

- Viagra, Tastes great, more filling

- Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing.

- Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to.

And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:

- This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

- Accountants do it with Double Entry

- Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

- Ambulance drivers come quicker

- Australians do it Down Under

- Bach did it using the organ

- Bankers do it with interest

- Bartenders do it on the Rocks

- Batman does it using his Robin

- Bookkeepers do it for the record

- Bosses delegate the task to others

- Chess players check their Mates

- Cops do it with cuffs

- DJs do it on request

- Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure

- Dentists do it orally

- Detectives do it under cover

- Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

- Elevator men do it up and down

- Engineers do it to specifications

- Engineers do it to a first order approximation

- Firemen do it with a big hose

- Frank Sinatra does it his way

- Garbagemen come twice a week

- Gardeners do it on the bushes

- Gas attendants Pump all day

- Golfers do it in 18 holes

- Landlords do it every 1st of the month

- Managers make others do it

- Marketing reps do it on commission

- Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free

- Teachers do it with class

- Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

- Zoologists do it with animals

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.
2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
→ You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
→ They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
→ A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
→ Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!

Do you know why women fake orgasm?
→ Because men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
→ When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
→ Dating children.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
→ A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
→ She knows she's given her last blow job.

Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
→ The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.

Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
→ The woman who can eat the last two donuts.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
→ Cough, gag, choke, etc.

What did One gay sperm say to another?
→ How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
→ It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What's the definition of Trust?
→ Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

How do you find a blonde in long grass?
→ Pleasing!

What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
→ Bingo!

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
→ When the big hand touches the little hand...

When is a pixie not a pixie?
→ When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

What's the definition of a Yankee?
→ Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

What's a Japanese girl's favorite holiday?
→ Erection day.

How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
→ The tongue's still in the envelope.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 10 years the job still sucks.

Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
→ The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.

Next time you're invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can't attend:

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I don't want to leave my comfort zone.

- I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

- I have to fluff my shower cap.

- I have to fulfill my potential.

- I left my body in my other clothes.

- I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.

- I'll be looking for a parking space.

- I'm being deported.

- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.

- I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.

- I'm sandblasting my oven.

- I'm taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.

- I'm worried about my vertical hold.

- I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.

- I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.

- it's too close to the turn of the century.

- my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.

- my plot to take over the world is thickening.

- my subconscious says no.

- none of my socks match.

- the grunion are running.

- the last time I went, I never came back.

- the monsters haven't turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.