Most commented jokes

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to the other chicken:

- who is your favorite music composer?

The second chicken responds:

- bach, bach, bach!

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says:

- not yet.

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says:

- not yet.

Finally they say:

- When can we see the baby!?

And the mother says:

- You'll have to wait until the baby cries.

And they ask:

- Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?

The new mother says:

- because I forgot where I put it!

The President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row at a Yankee's game. The row behind them is filed with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and wispers something into the Presidents's ear.

Mr. Clinton pauses then grabs Hilary by the scuff of the neck and heaves her over the railing! She falls 10 feet to the dugout, kicking and screaming obcenities.

The President shakes hands with those near him, getting "high fives". The Secret Service Agent leans over again and whispers, "Mr. President, I said, - "They want you to throw out the "FIRST PITCH!"

Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like:

- You know sometimes I just forget to eat. Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of idiot to forget to eat!

A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said:

- Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?

Clear as a bell my body said:

- listen witch... do it and die!

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -Jane

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does 'begat' mean? Nobody will tell me.-Love, Alison

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. -Elliott

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best. -Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD: The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. -Eddie

Dear GOD, I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. -Charles

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene

- You know a man's lying if his lips are moving.

- Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

- So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

- Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

- Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be let out alone.

- Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

- Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway

- A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

- Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

- Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

- Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

- If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital.

- If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

- Boring men are like snot - they get up your nose.

- Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him.

- If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing.

- Sadly, all men are created equal.

- There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men - strong, caring,loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson
26. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION
27. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
28. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT
29. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA
30. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
31. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
32. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
33. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
34. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS
35. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
36. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB
37. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
38. EASY UNIX
39. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE
40. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
41. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
42. FRENCH HOSPITALITY
43. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES
44. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel
45. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
46. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
47. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
48. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

And the Number one World's Shortest book......

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says:

- oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!

He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.

They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.

- Who's in that room? - the man asks.

- Oh, those are the holy rollers - says Saint Peter.

- They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless.

They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.

- Who's in there? - the man asks.

- That's the room for the Shakers - replies Saint Peter.

Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man:

- we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound.

They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.

- Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!

Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.

One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said:

- We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!