Most commented jokes

- On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

- Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

- In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

- On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

- On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

- At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

- On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

- On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

- In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

- On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

- On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

- At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

- On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

- At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

- Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

- Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

- At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"

- In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."

- On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

- In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

- On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

- At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

- In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

- On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

- On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

- In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

- Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

- In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

- On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

- In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

- In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter,
The lager.

I give all of these people a DUH! - DOH! - & Woo-hoo!

HANDS-DOWN WINNER OF THE IDIOT CORPORATION AWARD! AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. (Let that be a lesson to him!)

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up. (No one ever said you had to be "smart" to be a cop.)

NOW THIS SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS PLANNED OUT WELL... NOT! An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account. (Maybe he should have pretended to have a brain!)

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY... READ THIS Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.

- This is even worse than last year - said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and stole my new security system... (...hmmm, could this be the Illinois guy?)

NOW THIS IS WHAT I CONSIDER A DEDICATED CROOK! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him. (Wonder if he paid himself time and 1/2 for the overtime?)

I WANNA BE A BRAIN SURGEON WHEN I GROW UP! In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain. (After his hospital stay, he was immediately enrolled in law school!)

FOOT IN MOUTH... UP TO THE KNEE! Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:

- Give me all your money or I'll shoot - the man shouted.

- That's not what I said! (Turns out, the witness was Blonde and didn't pick him!)

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Banks should keep Monopoly money on hand for these bright crooks.)

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says:

- I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out - and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all:

- What if it doesn't work out? - they wonder.

- Are we stuck together forever?

St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled:

- Yes - he informs the couple.

- You can get married in Heaven.

- Great - says the couple.

- but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground!

- What's wrong? - exclaims the frightened couple.

- Come on! - St. Peter exclaims.

- It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?

What do Monica and Bob Dole have in common?
→ They're both upset Clinton finished first.

They called off the investigation of President Clinton due to a lack of evidence. Turns out he didn't tell her to lie, he told her to kneel.

How will Clinton build his bridge to the 21st century?
→ Apparently while part of a federal prison work release program.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate labrador.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

- There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

- Will I be acquitted?

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.

- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

- I have to floss my pets...

- I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.

- I want to spend more time with my blender.

- I'm attending the opening of my garage door.

- I'm building a pig from a kit.

- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.

- I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.

- I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

- I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.

- I'm staying home to work on my mottled yogurt sculptures.

- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.

- I've got plans to go downtown to try on gloves.

- It's my parakeet's bowling night.

- My patent is pending.

- The nice man on television told me to say tuned...

Dear Heavenly Father,
I think you'd be proud of me! So far today I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. Praise Your Name! I'm grateful for Your grace...

But Lord, a few minutes from now, I'm getting out of bed... From then on I'm going to need a lot MORE of Your help!

- EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.

- If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

- No, I don't have a license to kill; it's just a learners permit.

- Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect.

- Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

- Taxation WITH representation Ain't so hot, either!

- White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings.

- Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Microsoft's ad slogan for Windows 95 was "Where do you want to go today?"

Now that Windows 98 is out, Microsoft have disclosed the alternatives that were considered when Windows 95 was released:

1. Windows: The colorful clown suit for DOS.
2. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
3. Windows and DOS: A turtle and its shell.
4. Microsoft gives you Windows - OS/2 gives you the whole house.
5. A computer without Windows is like a fish without a bicycle.
6. Bang on the left side of your computer to restart Windows.
7. Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.
8. I still miss Windows, but my aim is getting better.
9. I'll never forget the first time I ran Windows, but I'm trying.
10. My lastest screen-saver: Curtains for Windows.
11. OS/2 ... Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
12. Out of disk space. Delete Windows? [Y]es [H]ell Yes!
13. Windows3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.
14. Windows NT: Insert wallet into Drive A: and press any key to empty.
15. How do you want to crash today?