Practical Jokes — most commented jokes

One April Fools Day, when I was about 15 or 16, I told my mom I was pregnant. It was really funny to see her reaction, but I got in major trouble when I told her I was joking. Some people just don't appreciate a good joke...

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap anyway?"
15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, "Wow, Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet FLoor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they spell "hello" upside down.
29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible"
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphebetize" the CD's in electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.
47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some prank, as all good buddies would.

After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a thought, "I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock."

The Carpenter perked up and added, "and I can rig the bed so that when they get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse."

The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do.

After the fortunate couple's wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his friends together for a chat. He said to them, "Well, when we sat on the bed and got a shock, it wasn't that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell in, we had a good laugh. But who's bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?"

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.

The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.

"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run!"

• Attempt to take the order-takers order. ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
• Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
• When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
• Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
• Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
• Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
• Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
• If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".

If you're feeling a bit stressed, try these to deal with it...

• Dance naked in front of your pets.
• Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to school as if nothing is wrong. (NOTE: this also works well with the hubby who stayed at the pub too long.)
• Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once. (Always have a witness on hand, just in case you attempt the Guiness World Record)
• Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.
• Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
• Find out what a frog in a blender "really" looks like. (Hamster in the microwave works well too.)
• Sit naked on a shelled hard boiled egg. ("Don't knock it until you try it!")
• Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
• Make up a language and ask people for directions. (Works great at 7-11's!)
• Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper. (KIDS: make sure you make a nice note titled - For Daddy, I love you.)

NOTES and DISCLAIMERS:

If you are less than 18 years of age: always seek your parent's aproval before attempting any of the above. (Exemption: If the hamster bites you again, nuke him till he glows!)

If you are 18 years of age or older and even think about doing any of these: proceed to the nearest telephone book directory. Look up "clinical psychologist"... drive directly to the first one that accepts "walk-ins!"

Have some fun on your next shopping trip, try these...

• Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like, "Pick Me!! Pick Me!!"
• Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme to "Mission Impossible".
• When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO, NO! It's those voices again!"
• Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
• Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
• Look right into the security cameras, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
• When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
• Set up a tent in the Camping Department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bed and Bath aisle.
• Re-dress mannequins as you see fit.
• Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares."
• Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
• Try bras on over your clothes. (works very well if you're a man)
• Run up to an employee, (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and yell at him, "I need tampons!"
• Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

• Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
• Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
• Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"
• After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
• Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
• If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
• If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"
• Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
• If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
• When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems, my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

Top twenty things to do at a drive-thru:

• Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
• Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
• Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
• Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight.
• Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
• Order in another language.
• Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
• When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
• Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
• Ask how they fit into that little box.
• If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
• Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?"
• When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take yours?"
• If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you.
• Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away.
• Tell them you have to use the bathroom.
• Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it.
• Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene.
• When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it.
• Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare.
• Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
• If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
• Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
• Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
• Practice making fax and modem noises.
• Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Adjust the background color on your email so that all your email correspondence is in green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
• TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.. type only in lowercase. dont use any punctuation either
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
• Ask people what gender they are.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Sing along at the opera.