Most commented jokes

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it:

- I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi... where did I go wrong?

- Funny you should come to me - said the Rabbi.

- Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.

- What did you do? - asked the lawyer.

- I turned to God for the answer - replied the rabbi.

- And what did he say?

He said:

- Funny you should come to me...

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

- The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid...wait... I still do!)

- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton... Monica who?)

- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)

- Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What...they launch their Depends at 'em?)

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

- King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)

- Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey...he needed the extra pricks.)

- The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle... I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

Little Susie was Mommy's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Soon, everything was on, Mr. Smythe the guest came in, and everyone sat down.

Then Mother noticed something was missing....

- Susie, dear - she said.

- You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smythe's place.

- But, Mommy, I thought he wouldn't need them - explained Susie.

- Daddy says he always eats like a horse!

Continuing with our list of dumb excuses that will guarantee you won't be invited out again! (unless of course your married an the wife makes you go!)

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

- I feel a song coming on.

- I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.

- I have to bleach my hare.

- I have too much guilt.

- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I'm stuck on it...

- I never go out on days that end in "Y."

- I promised to help a friend re-fold road maps.

- I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

- I'm having all my plants neutered.

- I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."

- I'm too old for that stuff.

- I'm too young for that stuff.

- I'm touring China with a wok band.

- I'm trying desperately to be less popular.

- I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.

- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.

- My bathroom tiles need grouting.

- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.

- My mother would never let me hear the end of it.

- My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign:

- Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read:

- Now there are two!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands....

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she told her mate.

- Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You know you're the only woman on earth.

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve!

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.

The doctor says to the first gal:

- What is three times three?

- 297 - was her prompt reply.

- Ummm humm - says the doc.

The doctor says to the second lady:

- It's your turn now. What is three times three?

- Friday - replies the second lady.

- Ummm humm...

Then the doc says to the third:

- Okay, mam, your turn. What's three times three?

- Nine - she says.

- That's wonderful! - says the doc.

- Tell me, how did you get that?

- Simple - she says, beaming...

- I subtracted 297 from Friday!

- Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

- Judge: And why is that?

- Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.

- Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?

- Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist:

- Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.

- But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.

- True enough - said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says:

- Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too.

Marv smiles and says:

- Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?

Bernie says:

- You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?

Marv grins again:

- Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me...

- Yes, yes, that's it! - cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife...

- Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?