Most commented jokes

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said:

- Are you my father?

The doctor said:

- No, I am the doctor that delivered you. Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said:

- Are you my father?

The nurse said:

- No, I am just the nurse. Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said:

- Are you my father?

The new father said proudly:

- Yes! I am your father.

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said:

- So how do YOU like it?!

Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:

- Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some.

- You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM.

- Coffee never runs out.

- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

- You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.

- When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.

- Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.

- Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less.

- White men can take black coffee home to their parents.

- Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it.

- You can always heat up coffee.

- Coffee smells and looks good in the morning.

- If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.

- Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !

Now that I'm older.....here's what I've discovered.....

I started out with nothing..

I still have most of it.

- When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?

- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

- If all is not lost, where is it?

- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though.

- It was all so different before everything changed.

- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

- I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few....

- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages "from God". This non-denominational campaign, was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards!

1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You ... I Love You ... I Love You ... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test. - God

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

- Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything

- Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly

- Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)

- Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?

- Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error

- Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename

- Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash

- Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited

- Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy

- Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors

- Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered

- Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement

- Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time

- Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found

- Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize

- Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors

- Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead

- Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN

- Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated

- Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down

- Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue

- Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted

- Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence

- Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused

- Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations

- Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue

- Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted

- Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted

- Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.

- Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota

- Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here

- Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....

- Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember

- Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error

- Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

- Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

- If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.

- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

- It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

- Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings.

- Oh, yeah, sure - says Bob sheepishly.

- Really? How long have you been wearing one?

- Ever since my wife found it in our bed!

Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up.

- All the ladies down on the floor - one handsome robber commanded.

- My grandmother too? - the little girl asked.

- Yes, your grandmother too!

- All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.

- My grandmother too?

- Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.

- Surely you don't mean my grandmother too? - asked the little girl.

Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted:

- YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart.

When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled:

- YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean....
And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend
And GIG was your middle finger upright
Now they all mean different things
And that really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy
You hoped nobody found out

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead