Situations — best jokes

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy:

- Did you hear that Fluffy died?.

The guy stumbles around and says:

- Um.. er.. no.. what happened?.

The neighbor replies:

- We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says:

- You get one wish between the two of you--make it a good one.

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy.

- Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!

He looks at the genie and says:

- We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!

The genie nods and says:

- You got it, boys!

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out:

- You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?

- Whadaya talking about? - the other fisherman answers.

- I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?

- I do like it...but the problem is...now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney:

- let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

- Help me find my ball, you look over there - he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

- I've found my ball! - he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly:

- After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?

- What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!

- And a liar, too!!! - Sid says with amazement.

- I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!

Ten Recruits had just arrived at the training camp and were lined up for inspection.

- Hey johnson! - yelled the drill instructor.

- those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen!

- Yes, sir - the young man answered.

- Those shoes are really really ugly, right? - hollered the D.I again.

- Yes, sir!

- And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?

- Yes, sir - answered the recruit.

- So why didnt you get a haircut?

- I was saving up for shoes, sir!

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.

- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.

- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.

- Then can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.

- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.

- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun questioned sternly.

- Just my sister in New Mexico - he volunteered.

- But she's a humble spinster nun.

- Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!

- Really? - said Mr. Smith.

- In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!

- Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!

- Don't panic. He'll be alright.

- But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.

While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs.

Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.

The Surgeon General warns:

1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
4. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!"
5. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
6. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
7. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
8. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
9. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
10. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
11. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
12. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.
13. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot."
14. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.
15. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.

True story: About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.

At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.

With my gown raised, she uttered the words:

- Okay, small prick

and proceeded with the injection.

I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks:

- Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed replies:

- Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor says:

- You mean a rose?

Ed replies:

- Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."

- You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.

- You can jump-start your car without cables.

- Cocaine is a downer.

- All your kids are named "Joe".

- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.

- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."

- You don't sweat, you percolate.

- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.

- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.

- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

- People get dizzy just watching you.

- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.

- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.

- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.

- Instant coffee takes too long.

- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."

- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.

- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.

- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.

- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

- You short out motion detectors.

- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.

- You don't tan, you roast.

- You can't even remember your second cup.

- You help your dog chase its tail.