Situations — best jokes

1. Never eat at a place called Mom's
2. Never play cards with a man named 'Doc'
3. Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
5. After everything he says, say:

- And how does that make you feel?

6. Point at random things and say:

- Where did you get that?

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over:

- I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!

9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

- Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy - he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

- Oh, really? - she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips.

- In that case, we'd better run it through again...

- I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too.

- Why? Because she married a con?

- No. Because they eloped!

Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
→ Not if you are the groom.

How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
→ At least one within a week of the wedding.

What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
→ Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".

- 100 facecloths

- 25 darning needles

- any kind of keychain with something way too big to fit in pocket or purse

- bag of potting mix

- box of legal size hanging file folders

- bucket of sand

- cat door

- cellophane tape and staples

- dairy for 1991

- exquisitely wrapped house-brick

- framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")

- globe

- hat rack

- his and hers dishwashing liquid.

- map of West Brazil

- mixer (for the non-cooking couple)

- mobile

- modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)

- nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper

- one shoe

- receipt book

- salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)

- silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)

- spice rack

- step ladder

- towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.

- towrope

- triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:

We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a 'kiddy harness' to keep track of him, since he's an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.

As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly:

- Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.

Alex promptly looked at him and said:

- Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:

- Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself:

- Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says:

- Darling, I've a confession to make.

And she says:

- So have I, love.

To which he replies:

- Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks!

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces:

- My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said:

- My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?

The guy says:

- Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!

As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang.

The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed:

- Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau! - and hung up.

- What was that all about? - wife asked.

- Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!