Random joke from this category
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.
One physician says:
- Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!
The other doctor replied:
- Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said:
- But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said:
- Who's paying for this?
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said:
- Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!
I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:
Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]
I had to take it back - my chain smoking, alcoholic, pregnant, car driving 6-year-old daughter couldn't take them!
A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal.
The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband:
- He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of our other son, too.
He replied:
- But dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!
A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.
The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.
Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.
The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said..:
- You got anything to stop this coffin?
A funny story I know comes from someone's father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't working. "Oh," he said, "You've been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first." He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
The pharmacist said:
- What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am.
She said:
- I'm not sure, they're for my Camels, at which point he fainted.
Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks:
- What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?
Assistant replies:
- Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.
Pharmacist says:
- He seems to be fine now.
Assistant replies:
- Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!
Dear Maevis,
I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.
Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the den, in the bedroom, in the kitchen or in the garage, I ask myself:
- What am I here after?
Well, I guess growing old is not so bad since old folks are worth a fortune with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs!
Your good ole friend, Ethel
Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's.
They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.
(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)
