Political Jokes — best jokes

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and George W. Bush are out walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish. That's three wishes total," said the genie.

The Canadian said, "I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the genie's eye, POOF the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, POOF there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

George W. Bush, said, "I'm very curious, please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out - it's virtually impenetrable."

George W. Bush says, "Fill it with water."

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word "tragedy."

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If You're Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

• Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.
• Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, "Doesn't that sound a lot like a B-52?"
• Ask him if he's looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satan's favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.
• Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.
• Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.
• Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.
• Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.
• Order him ten Domino's pizzas with extra ham topping.
• Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.
• Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you haven't seen "Sex and the City" for weeks.
• Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.
• Switch all the CD's in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, he'll actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.
• Mine his bathroom.
• Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about "spots".
• Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.
• Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.
• Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.
• Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.
• Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise you'll get to, "kick his ass every day for eternity."
• Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.
• Refer to him as "Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden."
• Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.
• Tell him it's lovely what he's done with his cave, but that it'd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.
• At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.
• Claim you once saw him at a Hooter's in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.
• Ask him if he wouldn't mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.
• Tell him that this is the worst pajama party you've ever attended.
• Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.
• Mix up his Rubik's Cube.
• Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.
• Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.
• Run your finger along his credenza, and say, "tsk, tsk" if there's dust.
• Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.
• Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.
• Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.
• Ask him if he's pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the "Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd" Jihad.
• Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, "Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!"
• Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.
• They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of who's having a baby on "Friends."
• Warn him that you're "in a New York state of mind."
• Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether they've ever thought of modeling.
• Ask him, "Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles?" just in case he'll be caught off guard and answer correctly.
• Give him a "noogie" or a "wedgie." If there's actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a "swirlie".
• Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.
• Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your "holy lands" and blow up his hotels.
• Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.
• Offer to take him "clubbing" in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.
• Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.
• Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.
• When you leave, wave and say, "Shalom!"

Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the President's cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Bill stands up and throws Hillary out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, "No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first pitch."

George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.

"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college."

"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."

1. I'll turn capital punishment into a new game show!
2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.
3. I'll finish what Bill started -- the interns.
4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?
5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.
6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.
7. New penal plan: I won't use mine!
8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.
9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers
10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: "Many say the only reason why you would be elected for President is due to the enormous power and influence of your father."

"That notion is ridiculous!" mocked George Jr. "It doesn't matter how powerful the man is. He can only vote once!"

MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News

President Bill Clinton called Chretien with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Bill, da Canadian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'help you," replied the Prime Minister.

"I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainment! I get right on it!" said Chretien.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Clinton.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white & blue in color, at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Clinton.

"No problem," replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the President of Trojan Condoms.

"I need a favor, you got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send 'dem to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen, dey hab to be bleu, blanc et rouge in colour; at least 10" long and 4" in diameter."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yah," said the Prime Minister, "an' print 'MADE IN CANADA, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Did you hear about the local country club that was determined to be politically correct?

Instead of saying the golfers have handicaps, they say they're stroke-challenged!