Political Jokes — best jokes

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. Now they're in heaven, and God is sitting on the great golden throne.

God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the internal combustion Engine is the root of all evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?" Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things, and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain, but not inhaling." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates. "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates said, "I believe you're in my chair."

The IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents.

Conan O'Brien

The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money.

Jay Leno

The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

In October, an envelope containing $15,000 in cash was left, anonymously, on a chair at the Detroit IRS office with the instruction to apply it "to reduce the national debt."

First name: ...................
Last name (if known): .......................
Address (where you live):
Mother's name (list also relation, i.e., sister): ..................
Birthdate (yours): ....................
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices): ..............

Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )
Year of pickup truck: ............
Do you have the following in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( )
Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies? ..........
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name: .................. Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )

Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )

Have you ever had (check all that apply): Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( ) Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( ) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )

Have you ever:
Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( )
Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
Inhaled( )

Where was your last Elvis sighting? ................ On what date? ...........
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:
Signature (or 'X' if you can't write) ................................

Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill?
→ Ah thought ah paid it!

Since I couldn't find a good drinking game for the upcoming Presidential debates online, I decided to write one myself. There are three parts to this game. The first section applies to either candidate, and the next two are specific to John Kerry or George W. Bush.

Part A - Either Candidate

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if either candidate says...

• Iran
• Iraq
• North Korea
• Afghanistan
• Sudan
• Libya
• Axis of Evil
• Gay Marriage
• United Nations
• Tax Cuts

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if either candidate says...

• Saddam Hussein
• Osama Bin Ladden
• Al Qaeda
• September 11th or 9/11 or World Trade Center
• WMD / Weapons of Mass Destruction
• Homeland Security
• Nuclear Proliferation
• If either candidate doesn't answer the question given to them
• If either candidate goes over the time limit per question (flashing red light)

Part B - George W. Bush

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if George W. Bush says...

• Uhhh...
• If George Bush stutters
• Florida
• Mentions anything about the Alliance in Iraq
• Tony Blair
• Dick Cheney
• Terrorist or Terrorism

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if George W. Bush...

• Miss-pronounces "nuclear"
• Mentions a John Kerry "Flip Flop"
• Mentions anything else about John Kerry's voting record
• Says "War on Terra"
• Says "Evil-Doers"
• Says anything connecting Saddam Hussein to the September 11th attacks
• Commits a "Bushism" - meaning he says something that doesn't make any sense

Chug a bottle of Bacardi 151 if George W. Bush

• Chokes on a pretzel

Part C - John Kerry

Have a small drink or a gulp of beer if John Kerry says...

• [Any Number] Billion Dollars
• Mentions anything about his wife Teresa Heinz Kerry
• Four More Years
• Anything about the economy
• No Child Left Behind
• Last Resort
• Mentions anything about how many troops have been killed in Iraq
• John Edwards

Have a larger drink, or shot of booze if John Kerry...

• Mentions "Mission Accomplished"
• Mentions anything about Vietnam
• Mentions anything about Purple Hearts
• Mentions anything about George W. Bush's service in the National Guard
• Mentions anything about Bush administration "misjudgments"
• Mentions anything about unemployment or loss of jobs under the Bush administration

What's the definition of lawyer?
→ The larval form of a politician.

The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

Jay Leno