Random joke from this category
Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...
Well, I was interviewing Hillary Clinton the other day, and we came to the subject of her and Bill's sex life. I asked her "Hillary, is your sex life with Bill anything like what he had with Monica?", and she said "Well, close but no cigar."
Why is the White House called the White House?
→ Sperm ain't purple!
A few years ago, we invited some friends over for a Christmas party. Many of my colleagues were there, and many of them are German. Helmut, Franz, and Rudolf were there.
I was talking to Rudolf about his belief in the superiority of the communist party. I grew tired of the discussion so I motioned towards the window and commented on the weather, "I believe it's snowing". "No, it looks too wet to be snow," he said. The argument went back and forth for a few minutes: rain, snow, rain, snow...
Then my wife came over and settled the argument for us. She said: "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear!"
What's the difference between greeting royalty and greeting President Clinton?
→ You only go down on one knee to greet royalty!
TRAFFIC JAM
A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me, Officer, what's the hold up?"
The Officer replies, "The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him".
- Oh really? How much have you collected so far?
- I've got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.
Why does Clinton play the saxophone?
→ 'Cause he can no longer play with his 'hore-monica!
It was so cold outside, I saw a politician that had his hands in his OWN pockets.
What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser?
→ Microsoft Intern Exploiter
Great Thinkers of Our Time?
If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
-- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-- Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland
"It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream."
-- Rev. Jesse Jackson
"I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me, except maybe everyone else in America."
-- President William Jefferson Clinton
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet."
-- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
And just last year, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running again...
