Ouch — best jokes

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It blew my neighbor's house apart!"

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.

He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth."

Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?"

The doctor says, "Use it as a rake?"

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.

He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.

She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her, "BIG NOSE!"

"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" by Woody Allen.

What do you give the paedophile who has everything?
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