Ouch — best jokes

What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
→ OUCH!

This blind guy was walking pass the fish market and he said "Good morning ladies.."

What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?
→ Straight through the rib cage.

3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.

Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...

"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.

"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?", the other two enquire.

"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.

All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?" ask the other two..

"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..."

Did you hear about Tempura House?
→ It's a shelter for lightly battered women.

What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
→ Throw in a load of laundry.

Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life."

Hiram says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?
→ A dead epileptic.

What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath?
→ Throw in your laundry.

What is red and sticky and crawls up a girls thigh?
→ A home-sick abortion.