Ouch — best jokes
Insult Collection 1
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks that's all they're good for.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder it would be genocide!
Insult Collection 2
Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
Insult Collection 3
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
When you get to the men's room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
I heard you have hair on your chest, and that's not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
Insult Collection 4
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
I believe in respect for the dead in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that's the only way they could.
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
Insult Collection 5
Yours was an unnatural birth you came from a human being.
You have nothing to fear from my base instincts its my finer ones that tell me to kill you.
It's your life -- but I wish you'd let us have it.
Hey, act your age -- senile!
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
You're the best at all you do -- and all you do is make people hate you.
In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."
We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.
We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
When you get run over by a car, it shouldn't be listed under accidents.
Insult Collection 6
We hear you are a lady killer. They take one look at you and die of fright!!
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".
You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
Is your name Amazon? You're so wide at the mouth.
You are a man who always sticks by his convictions. You will remain a fool no matter how much you get ridiculed for it!
A dope you are and dope will remain. Completely unlike cocaine. You add to, not diminish, pain!
We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
Your family tree is good, but you are the sap.
We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
It cost me five thousand dollars to look up your family history. A thousand to look it up and four thousand to hush it up.
Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.
Insult Collection 8
For two cents, I'd give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
You are the only person I've ever met whose mind is filthy and sterile at the same time!
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot is always in your mouth!
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed so he had you thrown out of his office.
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
You started at the bottom -- and it's been downhill ever since.
You are so boring that you can't even entertain a doubt.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
Insult Collection 9
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
In the next life, you'll blaze a way for us.
You are master in your own house -- the doghouse!
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.
People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.
Insult Collection 10
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
You have an inferiority complex -- and it's fully justified.
You are not as bad as people say -- you are worse!
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
Take a vacation go to Club Dead.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
You are living proof of reincarnation. No one could possibly get to be so stupid in just one lifetime.
You grow on people -- like a wart!
Insult Collection 11
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
You are down to earth, but not quite far down enough.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you came along.
You're a habit I'd like to kick with both feet!!
I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.
I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.
You've never been outspoken no one has ever been able to.
At your speed, you'd better not stop your mouth too fast or your teeth will fly through your cranium.
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling -- in your skull?
