Ouch — best jokes

Think you're having a bad day.... check it out these actual cases.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scubatanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.

They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handyplank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There now, feeling better?

A man walked into a bar and guess what he said. Ouch!

10. Watch the bag fill.
11. Hyperventilate.
12. Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
13. Race to see who fills their bag first (requires two or more people).
14. Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out of your arm before the blood squirts out.
15. While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and complain they gave you too much Tang.
16. Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
17. Faint.
18. Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
19. Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"

• "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
• "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
• "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
• "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
• "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
• "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
• "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
• "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
• "Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
• "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
• "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
• "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
• "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"
• "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
• "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
• "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
• "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
• "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
• "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
• "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
• "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

• Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
• If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Top things you should not say at a funeral:

• Geez, what died in here?
• He looks natural but those shoes do not go with that dress.
• Nice service...where's the keg?
• When did he die...really...hey Bob, you won the pool!!!
• Hey, we're with the Publisher Clearing House Prize Patrol and we're looking for...oh, never mind.
• Don't look now Fred but you and the deceased have the exact same suit on.
• You know they touched that body up cause that shark has one of them legs.
• Not to cause panic or anything but something is leaking out of that casket.

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?"

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!"

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep - not screaming, like the passengers in his car.