Marriage Jokes — best jokes

Wifespeak / Translation

- You want: You want

- We need: I want

- It's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now

- Do what you want: You'll pay for this later

- We need to talk: I need to complain

- Sure...go ahead: I don't want you to.

- I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.

- You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

- You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

- I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting!: I'm on my period.

- Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.

- This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.

- I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper....

- I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

- Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!

- I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.

- Do you love me?: I'm going to ask for something expensive.

- How much do you love me?: I did something today you're really not going to like.

- I'll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

- Is my butt fat?: Tell me I'm beautiful.

- You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.

- Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]

- Yes: No

- No: No

- Maybe: No

- I'm sorry: You'll be sorry.

- Do you like this recipe?: It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.

- Was that the baby?: Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

- I'm not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

- All we're going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god, there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question "What's wrong?"

- The same old thing.: Nothing.

- Nothing.: Everything.

- Everything: My PMS is acting up.

- Nothing, really.: It's just that you're such an asshole..

- I don't want to talk about it.: Go away, I'm still building up steam.

Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.

As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife:

- What huge buttocks!

Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.

The second man, also undressing, says to his wife:

- Christ! What huge tits!.

She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.

Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.

The other two ask:

- What happened? Did you put your foot in it?

- No, but I could have! - the third man replied.

A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.

So his wife says:

- What happened to you?

The man says:

- When I was young, I had the kneesles.

He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.

- Hmmm, well what happened to your feet? - inquires the wife.

- When I was a young boy, I had tolio.

So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies:

- Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims:

- Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says:

- honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!

The groom replies:

- I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon.

After a few more minutes, the bride can't wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed sniff notices this awful smell! sniff sniff Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! sniff What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims:

- Honey, there's shit in your box!!!

Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...) The best man yells from the other room:

- Turn her over, turn her over!

These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some prank, as all good buddies would.

After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a thought:

- I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock.

The Carpenter perked up and added:

- and I can rig the bed so that when they get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse.

The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do.

After the fortunate couple's wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his friends together for a chat. He said to them:

- Well, when we sat on the bed and got a shock, it wasn't that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell in, we had a good laugh. But who's bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?

In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him:

- Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?

The boy replies:

- Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?

The father says:

- Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin..

The boy says:

- Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife.

The father replies:

- So what difference dis make?

To which the son says:

- Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she shore ain't good enough for ours!

On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin.

- No problem - said the friend.

- Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference.

She went ahead and followed her friend's advice.

On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.

The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:

Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.

Goodbye darling.

P.S: ...

Your pussy is in the refrigerator!

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. She says:

- Honey, now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.

- This, my love, is a penis. - he told her.

- Oh! - she exclaimed.

- It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.

- Congratulations! - said the clerk looking at the bride.

- Would you like the bridal then?

- No thanks - said the woman.

- I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked:

- Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?

She looked up and said:

- Why does everybody ask me that?!