Marriage Jokes — best jokes

He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.

But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone:

- Judith?

- Yes, this is Judith.

- Will you marry me?

- Of course. Who's speaking?

Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?

They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was!

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.

Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:

- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.

- 100 facecloths

- 25 darning needles

- any kind of keychain with something way too big to fit in pocket or purse

- bag of potting mix

- box of legal size hanging file folders

- bucket of sand

- cat door

- cellophane tape and staples

- dairy for 1991

- exquisitely wrapped house-brick

- framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")

- globe

- hat rack

- his and hers dishwashing liquid.

- map of West Brazil

- mixer (for the non-cooking couple)

- mobile

- modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)

- nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper

- one shoe

- receipt book

- salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)

- silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)

- spice rack

- step ladder

- towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.

- towrope

- triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other."

It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says:

- I gave them paper plates.

A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're WHAT?!?!?"

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.

Teen says:

- Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?

Grandpa replies:

- Nope.

Teen says:

- Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?

Grandpa replies:

- A wedding ring.

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
→ A last name.

There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.

He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.

This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.

- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing.

- Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea.

- Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways, like...

- Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know... she has diarrhea.

- Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the only way to...

- Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums... a common disease called piarhemia.

- Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?

- Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she has GREAT worms!

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

- William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?

- Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.

- Wow, fifty dollars! - exclaimed the bride.

- the monks only used to give us an apple...