Language Jokes — best jokes

Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
→ Because they are murmurs of the tied.

Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a week-long business trip in Toronto.

As she grabbed her luggage and headed off, she asked, "Did you miss me?"

I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."

Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?

MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.

They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal.

We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."

POLISH MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN

• artery - the study of fine painting
• barium - what you do when the patient dies
• beneign - what you are after you are eight
• cesarean section - a district in Rome
• colic - a sheep dog
• congenital - friendly
• dilate - to live long
• fester - quicker
• G.I. series - baseball game between soldiers
• hangnail - coat hook
• medical staff - a doctors cane
• minor operation - coal digger
• morbid - a higher offer
• nitrate - lower than the day rate
• node - was aware of
• organic - church musician
• out-patient - a person who has fainted
• post-operative - a letter carrier
• protein - in favor of young people
• secretion - hiding anything
• serology - study of English knighthood
• tablet - a small table
• tumor - an extra pair
• urine - opposite of your out
• varicose veins - veins very close together

Include your children when baking cookies!
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime. Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices...

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Save regularly in our bank. You'll never regret it.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.

This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

See ladies blouses. 50% off!

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

And these beauties from the radio:

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.

Be with us again next Saturday at 10 p.m. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.

When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.

Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.

Insensitive Term - Preferred Term

ETHNICITY

PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid

• Black- African-Canadian, (NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE: LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE South AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE: PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)
• Oriental- Asian-Canadian (Note: Not Considered "REAL" Minorities since they tend to do well)
• Indian- Native-Canadian (NOTE: The following terms are no PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins, (Avoid these cities!)
• Chicano -Hispanic (NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales, AVOID! AVOID!)
• White Trash-PC Unaware, Rustically Inclined
• WASP (white male)-insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER

(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

• Woman- Womyn; Vaginal-Canadian
• Girl-Pre-Womyn
• Housewife-Domestic Engineer
• Fireman-Firefighter
• Stewardess-Flight Attendant
• Meter Maid-Parking Enforcement Adjudicator
• Post Man-Post Person Mail Man Person Person
• Policeman-Law Enforcement Officer; Baton Boy Cal. Clubber
• Prostitute-Sex Surrogate (Teen Victim. See: Broken Home)
• Mankind/Human-Earth Children
• Handicapped-Physically Challenged Differently Abled Handi-Capable
• Blind-Optically Darker Photonically Non-receptive
• Deaf-Visually Oriented
• Poor-Economically Unprepared
• Bum-Homeless Person Displaced Homeowner
• Hunter-Animal Assassin Meat Mercenary Bambi Butcher
• Whaler-Blubber Lovers
• Old Person /Elderly-4th-Dimentionally Extended Gerontologically Advanced
• Conservative-Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
• Drug Addict-Chemically Challenged
• Bald-Comb-Free
• Bisexual-Sexually Non-preferential
• Midget, Dwarf-Little People, Vertically Challenged
• Convict-Socially Separated
• Insane People-Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers
• Learning Disability-Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
• Tree-Hugger-Environmental Activist
• Logger-Wood Weasel, Paper Pirate, Treeslayer
• Dead People-Dysfunctional Earth Children Biologically Challenged Metaphysically Challenged
• Broken Home-Dysfunctional Family
• HouseBroken-Family Dysfunction
• Cattle Ranch-Cattle Concentration Camp (CCC) "Moo-shwitz"
• Senile Bag o'Bones-Alzheimer's Victim
• Ghetto/Barrio-(EHA) Ethnically Homogenous Area
• Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
• Hamburger-Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh (SMAF)
• Cheeseburger-Adding Insult to Injury
• Cheating (in School)-Academic Dishonesty
• Used Books-Recycled Books
• Trees-Oxygen Exchange Units
• Gang-Youth Group
• Slum-(EOZ) Economic Oppression Zone
• Obese- People of Mass Gravitationally Challenged
• Delicatessen- Corpse Farm Charnel House

New Official Politically Correct Terms for the 90's

OLD -- NEW

• conservative -- reactionary
• the establishment -- white power elite
• hearing person -- temporarily aurally abled
• sighted person -- temporarily visually abled
• blind -- visually challenged
• mute -- vocally challenged
• deaf -- aurally challenged
• dead -- metabolically different
• alive -- temporarily metabolically abled
• ugly -- aesthetically challenged
• fat -- gravitationally challenged
• heavy-set -- people of mass
• rude -- politically correct
• psychopath -- socially misaligned
• crooked -- ethically challenged
• klutzy -- kinesthetically challenged
• bald -- follicularly challenged
• short -- differently statured
• non-white, non-male oppressed -- white melanin impoverished / genetically oppressive
• white male -- oppressor
• black -- african-american
• asian -- asian-american
• afro-american -- african-american
• minority group -- numerically challenged group; under-represented population
• black -- person of color
• Chicano -- person of color
• weird green freak -- person of color
• female -- person of gender
• drooling drunk idiot -- person on floor
• group of blacks -- Under-Represented population of persons of color
• Group of Whites -- L.A.P.D.
• woman -- womyn
• women -- wymin
• girl -- pre-womyn
• man -- oppressor
• boy -- oppressor-to-be
• pregnancy -- parasitic oppression
• janitor -- sanitation engineer
• disabled car -- mechanically challenged car
• dish washer -- utensil sanitizer
• dairy -- where cows are raped
• ranch -- where cattle are murdered
• egg ranch -- where hens are raped
• biology department -- where animals are tortured and then murdered to fulfill the sadistic fantasies of white male scientist lackeys of the imperialist drug companies
• fishing -- raping the oceans
• farming -- exploiting mother earth
• nhl hockey -- uniformed fascists vying for superiority
• paper bag -- processed tree carcass

Many of the labels from the 80's are now passe. Here is a partial list of the denotations that are now acceptable (all labels are subject to change without notice).

old 80's/90's

• deaf/hearing impaired/aurally challenged
• blind /sight impaired/visually challenged
• retarded/mentally handicapped/mentally challenged
• queer/gay/homosexual/queer (strange but true)
• fat/big boned/alternative body image