Language Jokes — best jokes

Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side.

So... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first?

The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?

- Olive ?

- Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

What did the raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."

Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.
→ Bambi, the White House grounds, and the new TV season.

Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
→ Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

What do you use to fry a peter?
→ Peter Pan.

What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
→ Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

Name two words that have no meaning.
→ Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.

It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.

CURRENT PHRASE --- REPLACEMENT PHRASE

• NO FUCKING WAY --- I'm fairly sure that's not feasible
• YOU'RE FUCKING KIDDING --- Really?
• TELL SOMEONE WHO GIVES A FUCK --- Have you run that by.......
• NO BASTARD TOLD ME --- I wasn't involved in that.
• I DON'T HAVE THE FUCKING TIME --- Perhaps I can stay and work on that.
• WHO FUCKING CARES --- Are you sure that's a problem?
• EAT SHIT & DIE --- You don't say.
• EAT SHIT AND DIE MOTHERFUCKER --- You don't say, sir.
• KISS MY ASS --- So, you'd like me to help you.
• HE'S A FUCKING PRICK --- He's somewhat insensitive.
• SHE'S A BALL BREAKING BITCH --- She's an agressive go getter.
• YOU HAVE NOT GOT A FUCKING CLUE --- You could use some more training.
• THIS PLACE IS FUCKED --- We're a little disorganised today.
• WHAT SORT OF FUCKWIT ARE YOU? --- You're new here, aren't you?
• FUCK OFF SHITHEAD --- Well, there you go.
• YOU'RE A FUCKING WANKER --- You're a senior member: I respect you.
• HA! SUCK EGGS --- I wasn't there that night.
• YOU'RE FUCKING PARANOID --- So, you're from Brisbane.
• YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS --- So, you're from Melbourne.
• FUCK OFF --- I'll look into it and get back to you.
• FUCK OFF, DICKHEAD --- We've got enough members thanks.
• HOW DID YOU GET THIS PIECE OF SHIT TO WORK? --- Well done!
• YOU FUCKING LOSER --- Gee, that was unfortunate.
• LIKE FUCKING HELL --- I don't believe I have the required training to accomplish that.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."