Language Jokes — best jokes

What would you find in Superman's bathroom?
→ Superbowl.

What do you get when something gets caught in your Zippo?
→ Zippo Marx.

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.

"Toilette pepper!"

Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.

The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.

A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.

Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which bear ate your friend!" The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.

"I'm not really sure," said the other guy, "they both look similar."
"QUICK! Make up your mind!" said the ranger.

"O.K.," said the other, "it was the male."

The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.

"But why didn't you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?" the other man asked.

"Well," said the ranger...

"I never trust anyone who says that the Czech's in the male!"

The Yoko Club?
→ Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
→ I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
→ Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
→ Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club?
→ Forget it.

The Ebert movie club?
→ Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
→ You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
→ Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
→ Noh.

The quarterback club?
→ I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?
→ I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club?
→ Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
→ Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
→ Sure.

The pregnancy club?
→ Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club?
→ Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders?
→ They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society?
→ Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club?
→ Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
→ God willing!

58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies

• Act naturally
• Found missing
• Resident alien
• Advanced BASIC
• Genuine imitation
• Safe sex
• Airline food
• Good grief
• Same difference
• Almost exactly
• Government organization
• Sanitary landfill
• Alone together
• Legally drunk
• Silent scream
• British fashion
• Living dead
• Small crowd
• Business ethics
• Microsoft Works
• Soft rock
• Butt head
• Military intelligence
• Software documentation
• California culture
• New classic
• Sweet sorrow
• Childproof
• "Now, then ..."

• Synthetic natural gas
• Christian Scientists
• Passive aggression
• Taped live
• Clearly misunderstood
• Peace force
• Temporary tax increase
• Computer jock
• Plastic glasses
• Terribly pleased
• Computer security
• Political science
• Tight slacks
• Definite maybe
• Pretty ugly
• Twelve-ounce pound cake
• Diet ice cream
• Rap music
• Working vacation
• Exact estimate
• Religious tolerance

You don't know Jack Schitt!

When someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", well, now you'll know the entire story.

Jack Schitt was the only son of Owe Schitt and Awe Schitt. Owe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran a country hotel.. The Kneedeep Inn.

Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt and together they produced six children.

Sadly, their first child, Holy Schitt, passed away shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Then they had twin daughters, Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their last child was a son, Bull.

As time went on, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. Deep Schitt's twin brother, Dip Schitt, married Lotta schitt, who gave birth to a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens brothers.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hawse Schitt.

Bull Schitt recently married a spicy Italian number, Pisa Schitt and together they await the birth of their first child, Baby Schitt.

So the next time someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" you can say "Not only do I know Jack Schitt, but the whole damn family as well!"

What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?
→ Kitchy-kitchy-koo.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.

After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate.

He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?"

The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"