Food Jokes — best jokes

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts".

"No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter.

"But I want it MY way." says the man.

"What do you mean your way?" comes the reply.

The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans."

"I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl.

"WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.

What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?
→ A salad shooter.

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said, "Are you okay?" The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store workers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.

BREAKFAST

• 1/2 grapefruit
• 1 slice whole wheat toast
• 8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH

• 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
• 1 cup steamed zucchini
• 1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

• rest of the package of Oreo cookies
• 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
• 1 jar hot fudge

DINNER

• 2 loaves garlic bread
• 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
• 1 large pitcher of beer
• 3 Milky Way candy bars
• 1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
→ Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?
→ Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you... swear you'll never do it again.

The new FDA milk labeling rules are so strict, it's now illegal to print a picture of a missing fat kid on a carton of skim milk.

Birth of a Candy Bar It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........

Baby Ruth!

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.