Ethnic — best jokes

• The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
• You were born somewhere else.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
• Your car has bulletproof windows.
• Left is right and right is wrong.
• Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
• Your mouse has only one ball.
• You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
• You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
• You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
• You drive to your neighborhood block party.
• Your family tree contains 'significant others'.
• Your cat has it's own psychiatrist.
• You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
• You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
• More than clothes come out of the closets.
• When 'the Dead' are best live.
• You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
• More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
• Smoking in your office is not optional.
• When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'.
• Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
• Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
• You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman.
• You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
• A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
• When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'.
• You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.

Top ten television shows in Iraq:

• "Husseinfeld"
• "Mad About Everything"
• "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
• "Suddenly Sanctions"
• "Allah McBeal"
• "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
• "Achmed's Creek"
• "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
• "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
• "Just Shoot Me"

• 60: Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
• 50: Miami residents turn on the heat
• 40: You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming
• 35: Italian cars don't start
• 32: Water freezes
• 30: You plan your vacation to Australia
• 25: Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
• 20: Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
• 15: French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
• 10: You need jumper cables to get the car going
• 5: American cars don't start
• 0: Alaskans put on T-shirts
• -10: German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
• -15: You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
• -20: Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
• -25: Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
• -30: You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start
• -40: Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
• -50: Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
• -80: Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South
• -90: Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets

Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian:

• It beats being an American.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
• Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
• A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
• Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins
• Own-an-eskimo scheme.
• Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground

Top ten reasons why it's good to be Italian:

• In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes
• Unembarrassed to wear fur.
• No need to worry about tax returns
• Glorious military history... well, until about 400 a.d.
• Can wear sunglasses inside
• Political stability
• Flexible working hours
• Live near the Pope
• Country run by Sicilian murderers

Top ten reasons why it's great to be American:

• You can have a woman president without electing her
• You can spell colour wrong and get away with it
• You can call Budweiser beer
• You can be a crook and still be president
• If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything
• If you can breathe you can get a gun
• You can invent a new public holiday every year
• You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
• You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy"
• You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
• You can get a pizza within minutes of ordering.

Top reasons why it's great to be French:

• Yet to experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time
• You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs
• If there's a war you can surrender really early
• You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
• You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries
• You can be ugly and still become a famous film star
• Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride
• People think you're a great lover even when you're not

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written ", , . Two with meatballs, one without."

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago".

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.."

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."