Dirty Jokes — best jokes

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
→ Not everybody has been in a limo.

What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
→ One's a bunch a cunning runts ...

What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
→ You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
→ Your job still sucks after 6 months.

What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
→ You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
→ The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!

What's the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?
→ One's a busy ditch.

What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
→ A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
→ In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
→ Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week.

What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
→ They both get easier to pick-up with age.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
→ The cow fell on her.

What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
→ The more you bang it the looser it gets.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
→ They're both empty from the neck up.

What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
→ They both wriggle when you eat them.

What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
→ They both have black roots.

What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common?
→ Put either of 'em in a car and their fucked.

Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
→ So she could lip read.

How do you drown a blond?
→ Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Don't tell her to swallow.

Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool?
→ Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
→ Too many blondes were drowning.

Why do blonds have square boobs?
→ Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
→ 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
→ Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Why don't blondes double recipes?
→ The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
→ Proofreading.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
→ For throwing out the W's.

How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
→ The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
→ They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date?
→ If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

What's the Blonde's cheer?
→ "I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."

Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
→ She kept having affairs with men!

What does a blonde owl say?
→ What, what?

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
→ She threw it off a cliff.

How does a blonde kill a fish?
→ She drowns it.

Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
→ Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
→ "Nice tits!"

How does a blonde high-5?
→ She smacks herself in the forehead.

161. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
     → Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper
162. Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
     → Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
163. Why do blondes have legs?
     → So they don't get stuck to the ground.
     → To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
     → So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
164. Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around and come home?
     → It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a television.
165. What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
     → The Blonde!
166. How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
     → Flattered.
167. Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
     → They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
168. Did you hear about the blondes who froze to death at the Drive Inn Theater?
     → They went to see "Closed for the Season"
169. What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
     → 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
170. What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
     → An interpreter.
171. What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
     → A mental block.
172. What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
     → A wind tunnel.
173. What do you call 25 blondes on top of each other?
     → An air mattress.
174. What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
     → A dope ring.
175. What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
     → Sweet Fuck All...
176. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
     → Frosted Flakes.
177. What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
     → Air bubbles.
178. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
     → Frosted Flakes.
179. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
     → Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
180. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
     → A Space Invader.

181. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
     → Branch Manager.
182. How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
     → She fell out of the tree.
183. How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
     → Wave at her.
184. What do you call a smart blond?
     → A golden retriever.
185. How do you check a blonde's IQ?
     → With a tire gauge.
186. How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
     → A 69 interrupted by a period.
187. What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
     → "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
188. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
     → They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
189. Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow?
     → So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
     → So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.
190. Why aren't BLONDES good cattle herders?
     → Because the can't even keep two calves together!
191. Why don't blonds breast feed?
     → Because they always burn their nipples.
192. How did the blonde burn her nose?
     → Bobbing for french fries.
193. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
     → To cover up the valve stem.
194. What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
     → Spot.
195. What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
     → Air Supply.
196. What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
     → The back of her head.
197. Why do blondes drive VW's?
     → Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
198. How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings?
     → Tell them a joke on Friday night!
199. Why did God create blondes?
     → Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
200. Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
     → So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
     → So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.

201. What's black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
     → A blond electrician
202. Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
     → So brunettes can remember them.
     → Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
203. Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde????
     → She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
204. Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
     → Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
205. What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
     → A thought.
206. Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
     → Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
207. Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
     → She realized she gave her last blowjob.
208. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
     → She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
209. Why did they call the blond twinkie?
     → She liked to be filled with cream.
210. What did the blonde do when she got her period?
     → Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
211. Why do blondes have periods?
     → They deserve them
212. What did the blonde say to the physicist?
     → "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
213. Why are blondes like cornflakes?
     → Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
214. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
     → You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
215. How do you drive a blonde crazy?
     → Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetize them.
216. How does a blonde hold her liquor?
     → By the ears.
217. What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
     → Change.
218. How does a blonde moonwalk?
     → She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!
219. What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
     → A brain tumor.
220. Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
     → Because you don't have to marry them for sex!

221. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
     → Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...
222. Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her.
223. A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around and drove home.
     On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
224. How about the suicide blonde, she dyed by her own hand.
225. A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
226. A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly."
227. A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
     Cop: Do you know where you were going?
     Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.
228. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway. "Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
     "Driver's licence? What's that?..." "It's a little card with your picture on it."
     "Oh, duh! Here it is..." "May I have your car insurance?"
     "What's that?..." "It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
     "Oh this? Duh! Here you go..." The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde exclaims: "Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
229. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
     Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
230. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
     Brunette: Last night I had three orgasms in a row!
     Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
     Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
     Blonde: (looking shocked) Oh, you mean with one guy.

The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.

His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!!!!"

"Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, "If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summer's day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the sun's setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: "Sisters, I've been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. It's been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell 'LeRoy!!' your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think it's time we rename our husbands to end the confusion."

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the old rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, "I think I'll name my husband 'Seven-UP'". "Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband 'Seven-UP'?" queries one of the old gals.

"Why, he's got seven inches and it's always up!" replies the first lady. The second lady then muses a bit and says, "I think I'm going to name my LeRoy 'Mountain Dew'."

"Why, sister, why are you going to name him 'Mountain Dew'?"

"Well, cuz mountin' is one thing he do real well," the second lady says.

Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask, "And, what will you name your husband, sister?"

"I've been thinking that I just might name him 'Jack Daniels'," she said.

"Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!"

"That's my LeRoy!", the third woman responds.

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong with you?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'."