Dirty Jokes — best jokes

1. Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
2. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
3. Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants." Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."
4. The rebuttal to a turn-down: Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No thanks." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God because somebody asked you."
5. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
6. Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."
7. Man: "You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you." Woman: (tries to ignore him) Man: "You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?" Woman: "Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?" Man: (nods his head smiling) Woman: "Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!"
8. I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up this girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through a 2x4 with your hard-on?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well, a girl's gotta have her standards."
9. Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear)
10. What sign were you born under?
    → No Parking.
11. A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pick-up line. She grabs his crotch, looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see any potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
12. And here's one including the correct snappy return Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized, fuck off!"
13. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
14. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."
15. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."
16. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female recipient. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once... When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else.
17. The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her thighs, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or Doberman?"
18. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
19. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time." Woman: "You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!"

1. I'll swallow it all... I love the taste!
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.
14. Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome!
21. Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings.
24. If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!!
25. I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?
→ A DICTATOR!!

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

- Dad, can I ask you something?

- Sure! What about?

- You see, I'm already fourteen and... I think it's just proper that I should own one.

- And what is this 'one' you're referring to?

- Could you buy me a neat set of brassieres?

- No!

- My nipples are already prominent and it catches attention.

- Nope!

- It will be just proper at my age...

- I said no way...!

- But all of my friends wear...

- Timmy! How many times shall I tell you that bras are for girls!?

A white guy and a black guy died and were on their way up to Heaven and they had to stop at the Pearly Gates before they could enter. So the Angel Gabriel was there waiting for them, and he told them that they had to do something before they could go anywhere.

He told the white guy to pull down his pants, so he did and Gabriel grabbed his dick and squeezed. It instantly melted. The white screamed in pain, and was sent downstairs.

Gabriel told the black guy to do the same, and he grabbed his dick and squeezed but nothing happened.

When Gabriel asked him why it didn't affect him, he said, "This is the type of chocolate that melts in your mouth and not in your hands".

Sources close to President Clinton say he is proposing a new national anthem for the United States, "Yank my Dandy Doodle!"

It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.

The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, "Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?"

The youngster responds, proudly, "Ya, Santa brought it for me."

The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, "Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it."

Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, "And did Santa bring you that horse?"

Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, "Why, yes, he did."

To which Johnny responds, "Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top."