Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and see a small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?" To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him:

- What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up.

- *A*unt, your Holiness.

The Pope didn't speak for a second.

- Oh.

He paused.

- Do you have an eraser?

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.

They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has some soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers. He gets halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

- Oh look - says the 2nd nun...

- A soap dispenser.

To test her theory she also pulls his dick... and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap. The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times. Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells...

- Look, hand cream!

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.

- Father! - she cried.

- just WAIT until you hear this!

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said:

- Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?

- Well, father - the nun began.

- I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!

- A serious infraction, indeed! - said the priest.

- But that's not what has me so excited, father - replied the nun.

- it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!

- What an incredible wager! - exclaimed the priest.

- What did you do?

"Well, I hit the CEILING, father."

"How much did you win?"

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

- It's O.K., - he replied.

- it's written in the Bible.

So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil:

- The hat check girl puts out!

What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
→ "The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."

Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the first nun says, "I've never come this way before!" and the second nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as an altar boy.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
→ "Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"

A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the dessert. After a few days the camel falls over dead. After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.

The priest asks the nun:

- I have never seen a woman's breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn't matter much, so could I see yours?

The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.

- May I touch them?

The nun allows him to. The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are.

The nun then asks:

- Father, I have never seen a man's penis before, could you show me yours?

The priest drops his drawers.

- May I touch it?

After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.

The priest says:

- you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!

- Is that right - the nun replies?

- Yes - says the priest.

So the nun said:

- Then why don't you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!