Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly is calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies:

- Mama! I have someone for you to meet.

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. One room and the normal follow up to that.

Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks:

- Why the panties?

She replies:

- My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.

He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks:

- What's with this... a black condom?

He replies:

- I'm going to offer my condolences.

The Engineer had just returned from a week long seminar. His boss, instead of asking about the details, asked if he was sick as he looked absolutely terrible.

"Well..." said the Engineer, "I met this blonde and turned out she was an engineer-in-training and wanted me to tutor her. One thing lead to another and we ended up back in her room having wild gorilla sex all night."

"OK," replied the boss, "that may explain your fatigue, but why are your eyes so red?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "turns out she was married and had a baby at home. She started crying, and I started thinking about my own wife and kids, so I cried too."

"I see," chided the boss, "but that seminar ended Friday. How come you still appear so ragged?"

"Well..." said the Engineer, "you can't sit there and cry 4-5 times a day for four days and not look like this."

This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded condom.

- Oh yuck!! - she proclaimed as she pointed it out to her new husband.

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and asked:

- What, they don't use those things where you come from?

- Yeah, but we don't skin 'em! - she said.

These two sperm were swimmin' around, doin' their thing, and one sperm asks the other...

- Hey, are we almost there??? Is this the fallopian tube???

- Naaaa, this is still the esophagus.

A naive young girl goes into the doctor's office. She says:

- Doc, I'm getting married and I'm a little inexperienced, so I'd like to ask you a few questions.

He says:

- All right.

She says:

- All right... what is that thing that hangs between my fiancé's legs?

The doctor says:

- That's the penis. The male organ, the penis.

She says:

- Okay. And what is that big red knob at the end?

The doctor says:

- That's the glans. The head of the penis, the glans.

She says:

- Okay. And what are those two round things, about twelve inches behind the head?

The doctor says:

- Well, lady, I don't know about your fiancé, but on me, they're the cheeks of my ass.

One night the Norse god Thor was feeling a bit horny so he decided to come down to earth to satisfy his needs. He picked up a good looking woman with a great shape and they went to her apartment. She only had one small problem, she had a speech impediment, but this didn't affect their sex.

They went at it hot and heavy all night long, then in the morning Thor had to leave so he decided he should at least tell her his name, so he said to her:

- I'm Mighty Thor and I have to leave now.

She looked at him and said:

- You're thore I'm tho thore I can hardly pith.

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted:

- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.

The prostitute snapped back:

- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?

Charlie was in a bar and three babes came up and started hitting on him. He asked if they wanted to come over to his house later. They agreed to come over after they went home and got ready.

Charlie had a friend who worked in a drugstore, so he went to see him. He asked his friend if he had anything that would keep him hard all night long. The man laughed and handed him a bottle of pills instructing him not to take more than one.

Once at home, Charlie figured with three women he should take three pills, so he gulped them down.

The next day Charlie showed up at the drugstore to see his friend. Asking for some liniment, he showed him his dick which was ripped to shreds. In disbelief, his friend asked if he was sure that he wanted to put liniment on his dick.

Charlie replied:

- No, I need it for my arms, the women never showed up!

This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife, so he went to the doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have sex, to stick his finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the smell would cause his hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection.

That night, he decided to make his move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger in her pussy, and then rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began to stiffen. Amazed, he decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them in her pussy, then rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4 erect.

He decided to try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all around under his nose. Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said:

- Honey, quick, turn on the lights, and check this out!

She turned on the lights, and with his dick standing tall, he proudly asked:

- What do you think?

She looked at him and said:

- Looks like the worst nose bleed I've ever seen!

The three dwarves were in Rome and went to the nearest nunnery. They got to talk to the Mother Superior.

- Excuse us, but can you tell us where the dwarf nuns are?

- Sorry, but there are no dwarf nuns here.

- Well, are there any in the city?

- No, there are no dwarf nuns.

- What, none anywhere in Europe?

- No, little man. None in the entire world. Take my word for it.

At this 6 of the seven dwarves burst out laughing.

The Mother Superior asks:

- What's so funny?

- Dopey just fucked a penguin.