Dirty Jokes — best jokes

After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.

After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie.

When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband:

- I thought you had never been with a woman.

He replied:

- That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say:

- Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?

- Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore! - announces a proud physician.

- They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history.

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street.

- Doctor, Doctor! - exclaims the man excitedly.

- I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex fourteen times in eight days!

- Well, I'm glad to hear that - says the pleased physician.

- What does your wife think about it?

- Wife? - asks the man.

- I haven't even been home yet!

What's the difference between mayonnaise and sperm?
→ Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at 40 mph.

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says:

- I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!

Betty says:

- Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you.

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door:

- Are you okay, Gladys??

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

- What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong? - asks Betty.

- Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

- Doctor, I just can't undress in front of you.

- All right, I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through.

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness:

- Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?

- Put them on the chair, on top of mine.

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says:

- I wish you had a flashlight.

He says:

- Why's that?

She says:

- Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes.

A furrier from the US goes to Helsinki to buy furs.

He arranges for a hooker to be sent to his room.

When they're done, he said:

- I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good.

The hooker replied:

- Your foreplay ain't all that hot either.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic??
→ It is known how many went down on the Titanic.

A Girl Scout troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in oral sex.

- Back ladies, back! - cried the leader.

- There's a very dangerous beast out there!

But it was too late, as several of her girls had more-or-less seen the deed happening. They asked their leader what it was the couple was doing.

- Well, err.... if you must know, uh, they were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration... yeah, that's it, it's artificial respiration!

- WOW! - exclaimed the oldest of the group.

- I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next!

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says:

- Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.

She replies:

- If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436.